2010/03/01 I Hate Things: Toyota Prius Edition
Every time I see a Prius on the road I immediately become agitated and want to speed up next to them and honk erratically until the unsuspecting driver of said Prius looks over at me, so I can flip them off. That- or swerve into them with my tough-as-nails American made piece of moving machinery. I’ve wondered on several occasions why I don’t carry a sign that says “Fuck you and your Prius” to hold up when I’m next to them. I’ll tell you why I hate the Prius:
1) They are ugly as all hell. Probably the ugliest car on the road. Even uglier than the Pontiac Aztek, Yugo, or Ford Pinto. And those are terribly hideous cars.
2) The token vehicle for the uber “environmentally conscious” tree huggers and celebrity fucks is actually the source for more pollution than a Hummer. It takes more combined energy per Prius to produce than the moving monstrosity that is a Hummer. R-i-d-i-c-u-l-o-u-s! (I spelled out ‘ridiculous’ for all those people who think there is an ‘e’ in ridiculous. THERE ISN’T!)
2 a) And guess what? Building a Prius also causes more damage to the environment because, as most people know, the Prius runs off an engine and a battery. What’s a battery made of? Nickel. Nickel= FAIL. Nickel should be put in permanent time-out. Bad, Nickel, bad. The nickel is mined and smelted at a plant in Ontario. This plant has caused so much damage to the surrounding environment that NASA has used the “dead zone” around the plant to test moon rovers, ya’ll. The area around the plant is devoid of any life for miles. I’m sure future generations of people who work at the factory or live within a 50 mile radius will have offspring that has 3 eyes or worse, Cancer. Someone call Erin Brokovich! And that’s not even the half of it. After it’s mined in Canada, the nickel is shipped to Europe, via container ships, then off to China, then to Japan and then fiiiiiiiiiiiinally back to the good ole’ U S of A. Someone tell me how much fuel a container ship burns? Anybody? Anybody? Buehler? I’ll tell you; about 3,600 gallons of fuel an hour. Some would say they burn bunker fuel, which is a step above asphalt, because it’s super duper cheap. Bunker fuel is so thick it has to be heated to extreme temperatures to get it to flow. And it’s so dirty, that it’s vented out underneath, so we don’t see the pollutants in the air. Well, then where’s all the carbon emissions going? You guess it; IN THE WATER!!! No wonder we had to fire a rocket into the Moon to look for water!
2b) CNW Marketing completed a study called “Dust to Dust,” (and for people who are going to call out their study as being total horse shit; save it. I’ve read their study, as well as, several opposing studies.) The total combined energy is taken from ALL the electrical, fuel, transportation, materials (metal, plastic, etc.) and hundreds of other factors over the expected lifetime of a vehicle. The Prius costs an average of $3.25 per mile driven over a lifetime of 109,000 miles – the expected lifespan of the Hybrid. (About 12 years for the average driver.) The Hummer, on the other hand, costs a mere $1.95 per mile to put on the road over an expected lifetime of 300,000 miles. That means the Hummer will last three times longer than a Prius and use less combined energy doing it. Now, don’t take this as me being a Hummer fan. I think they are absolutely absurd and no civilian needs one. Military, yes. Soccer moms, no. I once saw two Hummer H3s parked in the driveway of a home that had solar panels on its roof. Uh, irony? Jokesters? But, I digress.
3) Did I mention they are really hideously ugly?
4) They make an already uber lazy society even lazier. Push to start? Really? Because turning a flipping key is soooooo much work! OOOOOOOHHHHH the humanity! Someone get me my fainting couch! I’m feeling woozy! Wait, I get it. Maybe it’s for people who have to have 19 different charms and a lanyard on their key chain and don’t like all that crap knocking into their leg. Here’s an idea, peeps: take all that shit off! What are you, a 16-year-old girl?! Or do what I did; buy a Saab that has the ignition in the center console. I loved that feature. (That car was totaled, but that’s neither here nor there.)
5) Have you ever seen a Prius in the snow? I live in Michigan, it’s a hilarious sight. Ha ha, assholes!
6) The new Prius commercials scare the shit out of me. Just as much as clowns and porcelain dolls do. People dressed up as flowers and other various things swaying and singing? Creepy. Someone was obviously partaking in acid and Wizard of Oz when they concocted that piece of advertising FAIL!
7) The current state of Toyota and their little probably with stopping after accelerating to a high speed. Every time I see a Toyota, especially a Prius, driving over 70 m.p.h I laugh to myself and wonder if their brakes went out. I never had that problem with any one of my ‘Merican-made vehicles, nor did I with my fine Swedish-made vehicle.
Here is a video clip from one of my all time favorite shows of all time Top Gear on the Prius.
In summation, the Prius is an automotive travesty and an oxymoron. I drive a Dodge, which has 102,000 miles and averages 415 to 425 miles to a full tank of gas (so long as I keep it under 70.) So put that in your tail pipe and back fire it, Prius drivers.
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