“High school was difficult, coming out was painful,” he said. “I want to tell any teen who is watching this, life will get better.”

After posting my reasons as to why the French are jerks, some persons were a bit upset because I said the Canadian military is as intimidating as the French military, and she gave me a list of 15 reasons why Canada is awesome. I’m here once again to discredit that notion, while adding a few reasons why Canada is better than France and has a few awesome things.

Note: This is in no way an attack on said person or Canada; it’s merely a subjective list.

1) Canadian beer sucks, except La Fin du Monde. (Also, American beer sucks just as much.)

2) Mounties. *giggles*

3) Dealing with 19 year olds in bars is super annoying.

4) Universal Health Coverage in Canada isn’t that great if you have to wait a year for a surgery.

5) Canadian hockey teams suck. That’s why Canadian players want to play on American teams. Like the RED WINGS! And why Gary “I’m a doosh” Bettman is taking away all the Canadian teams and moving them to cities in the US that shouldn’t have hockey teams (That and the fact that they’re losing money in a big way). But, Phoenix, really?? That makes no sense, but that’s a whole ‘nother post. Although, they do have some cool uniforms. Like Edmonton’s and the Canadiens’.) Oh, and hey, Toronto, isn’t the plural for leaf “leaves”?

5a) Canada beat USA for the Gold medal in the Olympic men’s hockey game.

5c) Canada is home to Sidney Crosby. And only fans of those jagoffs the Pittsburgh Penguins like him. Unless they’re Canadian, of course.

6) I don’t even know what Poutine is, but it reminds me of ‘Pootietang.’

7) The movie Canadian Bacon. (Which I realize is an American movie, but it has “Canadian” in the title.)

8 ) Tim Horton’s is quite possibly just as overrated as Starbucks.

9) Curling

10) Does anyone know any lyrics to their national anthem besides “Oh, Canada”?

11) The absurd amount of taxes its citizens pay.

12) Canada didn’t gain independence from England until 1982. It took them that long to get around to telling those limey bastards to piss off? The American colonies defeated a larger, stronger British army with the help of France for Christ’s sake! We got our independence the proper way: through a bloody, violent revolution.

13) Pamela Anderson is from Canada.

13b) so is Celine Dion.

13c) and Avril Lavigne

14) Home to America’s draft dodgers. We’re trying to save the world, people! (This could also be a knock on Americans/America for having a draft in the first place.)

15) Canadian Football League.

16) Their coins always get rejected from vending machines. Also, they take our money, but up until recently (in Michigan anyway), most places didn’t accept Canadian money. Bullshit! (This could also be a reason the US sucks.)

16b) Speaking of money, the Loonie? Really? I always wondered how strippers were tipped in Canada with coins. Do you just throw them at them on stage? Do they have coin purses attached to their thongs? And then I went to a Canadian strip club. You set them on the stage. BOOORING!

16c) They still have British Royalty on their currency.

17) Our flag represents something. It’s filled with symbolism. Their flag, with their Maple Leaf, says, “Watch out for us, we’ll dry up and blow away!”

18) There is no worse insult than being called “French Canadian.”

19) Don Cherry

20) NICKELBACK!!!!!!!!!! Need I say more?

Now to be fair, here are a few reasons why Canada is better than France and has some awesome qualities.

1. Steve Yzerman. (And hockey.)

2. Canadian bacon (Or ham. Whichever you prefer to call it.  *American bacon is still better though.)

3. John Candy.
4. It’s a pretty beautiful country.
5. No taxes taken out if you win at the casino (Or that was the case last time I was at Casino Windsor–Caesars–6 years ago.)
6. The Zamboni.
7. Better gun control than the US. Seriously, I can make one phone call and have a variety of illegal auto and semi auto guns to choose from. It’s ridiculous.
8. Leonard Cohen, Rush, The Guess Who and Arcade Fire.
9. The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos.

10. Toronto.
11. Easy access to drugs. And pot. Although, getting that bottle of Vicodin and bag of pot back across the border is not easy.
12. Don Cherry’s suit coats.

13. Degrassi.

No. 8, You're cordially invited to a brick party

1. 3 o’clock in the morning: I’m usually up at this time and 3 o’clock is the world’s way of telling me I’m a degenerate. How you ask? Because that’s when any semblance of decent programming goes off the air and I’m stuck with infomercials about male enhancement pills and the Aerogarden.

2. The voice black comedians use when making fun of white people: Seriously, we don’t all talk like we wear Lacoste and play tennis, nor do we talk like our mothers breastfed us too long, cut it out. Thanks!

3. Aphorisms and the people who use them: I once worked with a girl who said “Work smarter, not harder!” to me with a certain glimmer in her eye like she was telling me something profound. Mind you, it was my first day and she was showing me how to file. HOW TO FILE, PEOPLE! It took me all of 16 seconds to realize I would come to hate this particular coworker. Aphorisms are not awe- inspiring. They make you sound like someone who probably owns too many cats, takes antidepressants, and drinks entirely too much caffeine. You’re not fooling anyone, but yourself.

4. People who dress up fancier than the bride and groom: The aforementioned coworker once wore–and get ready for this mental picture: a floor length, black bedazzled with silver trim, spaghetti straps and a slit up to the thigh prom dress to a friend of mine’s wedding. Now, I’m not saying roll in wearing acid wash jeans, busted Reeboks and a t-shirt, but there is a reason bridesmaid dresses are either a) dull and boring b) plain Jane 3) ugly; because all the attention is supposed to be on the bride! Stop trying to steal her thunder, hussy!

5. People who smack their lips when they chew: It’s only acceptable to make this noise if you’re eating hay and oats. Oh, and if you’re a horse.

6. Preempting television shows: President Obama is hugely guilty of this one. I get it, Mr. President. You’re trying to make a difference. You want us to know you’re trying to fix what’s horribly broken. But do you think you could do it at 3 in the afternoon instead of 8pm when my favorite shows are on? And why can’t it be broadcast on the news networks like CNN? Actually, what the hell do we have C-SPAN for?

7. Vegans/Vegetarians who give omnivores “the look” when we order a steak: Listen, just because you gave up the succulent taste of meat doesn’t mean I’m not going to enjoy this. In fact, I’m probably going to order it still moving just to make you gag. And enjoy it. If you don’t like it, don’t go out to dinner with me.

8. People who drive with their dogs on their laps: The other day I saw someone driving with a Beagle on their lap–not a Shitzu or Chihuahua, but a Beagle. If I’m going to get ticketed for chatting on my cell, then you assholes should get ticketed for having a living bowling ball obstructing your arms and hands.

9. People who own homes that use alternative energy, but drive gas guzzling SUVs: Hypocrite, party of douche!

10. The plastic label on the top of DVDs that never comes off easily: There is no easy way to do this, kind of like eating a taco. It’s the packaging company’s proverbial middle finger. You spend ten minutes trying to remove it, only to become wildly agitated and end up whipping the DVD across the room. There’s already cellophane on the package. Why packaging companies? Why must you do this to us, the easily irritable consumer, who wants everything five minutes ago?

(Note: None of these can be confirmed nor denied. )

1. France is still pissed off because they have been irrelevant since 1940.

2. They are upset about always eating raw food.  Steak Tartarè, anyone?

2b) They are all hungry.

3. They all have giant migraines from the intermingling scent of 11 million whore baths and stale cigarettes.
4. They have never gotten over that “Let them eat cake” thing.

5. Constantly stepping in or around dog feces would make even the Dalai Lama or Jimmy Carter irritable.

6. Because the store Parisian sucks, and it’s attached to their name.
7. They’re sick of fries being called “French Fries” when they were invented in Belgium, a notoriously nice country.
8. The ménage a trois was a bad idea. (A married couple and a lover living in perfect harmony? My ass.)
9. Peugeots are pieces of shit. True Story.
10. They’re upset because they’re known as England’s wine and tobacco shop.
11. Corsets.
12. Their military less intimidating than the Canadians’ (and still grumpy about the Brits and Americans having to save their asses in WWII).
13. The French moustache.

14. Mimes.
15. Because an American owns the Tour de France.

There you have it, 15 reasons to help you better understand why the French are so bitter. Give them a break, it’s not like they can defend themselves.

1)    They are ugly as all hell.  Probably the ugliest car on the road. Even uglier than the Pontiac Aztek, Yugo, or Ford Pinto.  And those are terribly hideous cars.

2)    The token vehicle for the uber “environmentally conscious” tree huggers and celebrity fucks is actually the source for more pollution than a Hummer.  It takes more combined energy per Prius to produce than the moving monstrosity that is a Hummer. R-i-d-i-c-u-l-o-u-s! (I spelled out ‘ridiculous’ for all those people who think there is an ‘e’ in ridiculous. THERE ISN’T!)

2 a)    And guess what? Building a Prius also causes more damage to the environment because, as most people know, the Prius runs off an engine and a battery.  What’s a battery made of? Nickel.  Nickel= FAIL.  Nickel should be put in permanent time-out.  Bad, Nickel, bad.  The nickel is mined and smelted at a plant in Ontario.  This plant has caused so much damage to the surrounding environment that NASA has used the “dead zone” around the plant to test moon rovers, ya’ll.  The area around the plant is devoid of any life for miles.  I’m sure future generations of people who work at the factory or live within a 50 mile radius will have offspring that has 3 eyes or worse, Cancer.  Someone call Erin Brokovich!  And that’s not even the half of it.  After it’s mined in Canada, the nickel is shipped to Europe, via container ships, then off to China, then to Japan and then fiiiiiiiiiiiinally back to the good ole’ U S of A.  Someone tell me how much fuel a container ship burns?  Anybody? Anybody? Buehler?  I’ll tell you; about 3,600 gallons of fuel an hour.  Some would say they burn bunker fuel, which is a step above asphalt, because it’s super duper cheap.  Bunker fuel is so thick it has to be heated to extreme temperatures to get it to flow.  And it’s so dirty, that it’s vented out underneath, so we don’t see the pollutants in the air.  Well, then where’s all the carbon emissions going?  You guess it; IN THE WATER!!! No wonder we had to fire a rocket into the Moon to look for water!

2b)    CNW Marketing completed a study called “Dust to Dust,” (and for people who are going to call out their study as being total horse shit; save it.  I’ve read their study, as well as, several opposing studies.) The total combined energy is taken from ALL the electrical, fuel, transportation, materials (metal, plastic, etc.) and hundreds of other factors over the expected lifetime of a vehicle.  The Prius costs an average of $3.25 per mile driven over a lifetime of 109,000 miles – the expected lifespan of the Hybrid. (About 12 years for the average driver.)  The Hummer, on the other hand, costs a mere $1.95 per mile to put on the road over an expected lifetime of 300,000 miles.  That means the Hummer will last three times longer than a Prius and use less combined energy doing it.  Now, don’t take this as me being a Hummer fan.  I think they are absolutely absurd and no civilian needs one.  Military, yes.  Soccer moms, no.  I once saw two Hummer H3s parked in the driveway of a home that had solar panels on its roof.  Uh, irony? Jokesters?  But, I digress.

3)    Did I mention they are really hideously ugly?

4)    They make an already uber lazy society even lazier.  Push to start?  Really?  Because turning a flipping key is soooooo much work! OOOOOOOHHHHH the humanity! Someone get me my fainting couch! I’m feeling woozy! Wait, I get it.  Maybe it’s for people who have to have 19 different charms and a lanyard on their key chain and don’t like all that crap knocking into their leg.  Here’s an idea, peeps: take all that shit off! What are you, a 16-year-old girl?!  Or do what I did; buy a Saab that has the ignition in the center console.  I loved that feature.  (That car was totaled, but that’s neither here nor there.)

5)    Have you ever seen a Prius in the snow? I live in Michigan, it’s a hilarious sight. Ha ha, assholes!

6)    The new Prius commercials scare the shit out of me. Just as much as clowns and porcelain dolls do. People dressed up as flowers and other various things swaying and singing? Creepy. Someone was obviously partaking in acid and Wizard of Oz when they concocted that piece of advertising FAIL!

7) The current state of Toyota and their little probably with stopping after accelerating to a high speed.  Every time I see a Toyota, especially a Prius, driving over 70 m.p.h I laugh to myself and wonder if their brakes went out. I never had that problem with any one of my ‘Merican-made vehicles, nor did I with my fine Swedish-made vehicle.

Here is a video clip from one of my all time favorite shows of all time Top Gear on the Prius.

In summation, the Prius is an automotive travesty and an oxymoron.  I drive a Dodge, which has 102,000 miles and averages 415 to 425 miles to a full tank of gas (so long as I keep it under 70.)  So put that in your tail pipe and back fire it, Prius drivers.

1) The Who – Who’s next? anyone who knows me, knows Baba O’ Riley (it’s not called Teenage Wasteland, jerk offs!) is my favourite song of all time and I worship Keith Moon. He’s the second greatest drummer of all time, in my humble opinion, behind Neil Peart.  John Bonham fans will argue with me. Bring it.

2)  The Damned – Neat, Neat, Neat: The alternative Anthology. I don’t know why, but I could listen to The Damned over and over. Usually, after I’ve consumed copious amounts of booze.

3)  Bauhaus – Singles: 1979 – 1983 vol. 1 & 2. I’m putting both albums here, because its my list and I do what I want.  Peter Murphy’s distinct, imposing voice melts me every time I listen to “Bella Lugosi’s Dead” which I’ve been known to listen to on repeat, whilst driving, for a solid hour or more.  There is something about the mood Bauhaus sets that just gets me every time. To me, Bauhaus is much more intense than say Black Sabbath.  I like Birthday Party and Joy Division because of Bauhaus,  but, I think Bauhaus kicks both of their asses.

4) Ice Cube – Death Certificate. Because it is Cube’s best album, I don’t care what anyone says. It’s hard to listen to, but the musicality, the inventiveness and creativity in the beats are stellar. His lyrics not for the faint of heart, but always insightful.  (You were expecting “The Predator,” weren’t you?)

5)  ELO – The Essential Electric Light Orchestra. This album covers every mood I’m feeling, especially happiness.  Every time I throw it on, I immediately go to track 14 “Don’t bring me down” and I’m instantaneously put into a great mood. I listen to this record from beginning to track 14 (skipping track 15 “Roll over, Beethoven” because that song just irritates me). Anyone who disses ELO as a poor man’s Beatles I welcome them to meet me in a dark alley.

To be continued…

Until then, enjoy these videos from bands who will be on the list:

Talking Heads – This must be the place

Fugazi – Waiting Room

At the drive-in – One-armed scissors

Afghan Whigs – Rebirth of cool

Dead Prez – Hip Hop

Etta James – At last