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Just south of lowbrow.

My bit of self importance & narcissism bestowed upon the internet one post at a time.

10 Things I Hate and You Should Too, Edition

No. 8, You're cordially invited to a brick party

1. 3 o’clock in the morning: I’m usually up at this time and 3 o’clock is the world’s way of telling me I’m a degenerate. How you ask? Because that’s when any semblance of decent programming goes off the air and I’m stuck with infomercials about male enhancement pills and the Aerogarden.

2. The voice black comedians use when making fun of white people: Seriously, we don’t all talk like we wear Lacoste and play tennis, nor do we talk like our mothers breastfed us too long, cut it out. Thanks!

3. Aphorisms and the people who use them: I once worked with a girl who said “Work smarter, not harder!” to me with a certain glimmer in her eye like she was telling me something profound. Mind you, it was my first day and she was showing me how to file. HOW TO FILE, PEOPLE! It took me all of 16 seconds to realize I would come to hate this particular coworker. Aphorisms are not awe- inspiring. They make you sound like someone who probably owns too many cats, takes antidepressants, and drinks entirely too much caffeine. You’re not fooling anyone, but yourself.

4. People who dress up fancier than the bride and groom: The aforementioned coworker once wore–and get ready for this mental picture: a floor length, black bedazzled with silver trim, spaghetti straps and a slit up to the thigh prom dress to a friend of mine’s wedding. Now, I’m not saying roll in wearing acid wash jeans, busted Reeboks and a t-shirt, but there is a reason bridesmaid dresses are either a) dull and boring b) plain Jane 3) ugly; because all the attention is supposed to be on the bride! Stop trying to steal her thunder, hussy!

5. People who smack their lips when they chew: It’s only acceptable to make this noise if you’re eating hay and oats. Oh, and if you’re a horse.

6. Preempting television shows: President Obama is hugely guilty of this one. I get it, Mr. President. You’re trying to make a difference. You want us to know you’re trying to fix what’s horribly broken. But do you think you could do it at 3 in the afternoon instead of 8pm when my favorite shows are on? And why can’t it be broadcast on the news networks like CNN? Actually, what the hell do we have C-SPAN for?

7. Vegans/Vegetarians who give omnivores “the look” when we order a steak: Listen, just because you gave up the succulent taste of meat doesn’t mean I’m not going to enjoy this. In fact, I’m probably going to order it still moving just to make you gag. And enjoy it. If you don’t like it, don’t go out to dinner with me.

8. People who drive with their dogs on their laps: The other day I saw someone driving with a Beagle on their lap–not a Shitzu or Chihuahua, but a Beagle. If I’m going to get ticketed for chatting on my cell, then you assholes should get ticketed for having a living bowling ball obstructing your arms and hands.

9. People who own homes that use alternative energy, but drive gas guzzling SUVs: Hypocrite, party of douche!

10. The plastic label on the top of DVDs that never comes off easily: There is no easy way to do this, kind of like eating a taco. It’s the packaging company’s proverbial middle finger. You spend ten minutes trying to remove it, only to become wildly agitated and end up whipping the DVD across the room. There’s already cellophane on the package. Why packaging companies? Why must you do this to us, the easily irritable consumer, who wants everything five minutes ago?


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