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Just south of lowbrow.

My bit of self importance & narcissism bestowed upon the internet one post at a time.

Canada is not awesome Edition

After posting my reasons as to why the French are jerks, some persons were a bit upset because I said the Canadian military is as intimidating as the French military, and she gave me a list of 15 reasons why Canada is awesome. I’m here once again to discredit that notion, while adding a few reasons why Canada is better than France and has a few awesome things.

Note: This is in no way an attack on said person or Canada; it’s merely a subjective list.

1) Canadian beer sucks, except La Fin du Monde. (Also, American beer sucks just as much.)

2) Mounties. *giggles*

mountie

3) Dealing with 19 year olds in bars is super annoying.

4) Universal Health Coverage in Canada isn’t that great if you have to wait a year for a surgery.

5) Canadian hockey teams suck. That’s why Canadian players want to play on American teams. Like the RED WINGS! And why Gary “I’m a doosh” Bettman is taking away all the Canadian teams and moving them to cities in the US that shouldn’t have hockey teams (That and the fact that they’re losing money in a big way). But, Phoenix, really?? That makes no sense, but that’s a whole ‘nother post. Although, they do have some cool uniforms. Like Edmonton’s and the Canadiens’.) Oh, and hey, Toronto, isn’t the plural for leaf “leaves”?

5a) Canada beat USA for the Gold medal in the Olympic men’s hockey game.

5c) Canada is home to Sidney Crosby. And only fans of those jagoffs the Pittsburgh Penguins like him. Unless they’re Canadian, of course.

6) I don’t even know what Poutine is, but it reminds me of ‘Pootietang.’

7) The movie Canadian Bacon. (Which I realize is an American movie, but it has “Canadian” in the title.)

8 ) Tim Horton’s is quite possibly just as overrated as Starbucks.

9) Curling

10) Does anyone know any lyrics to their national anthem besides “Oh, Canada”?

11) The absurd amount of taxes its citizens pay.

12) Canada didn’t gain independence from England until 1982. It took them that long to get around to telling those limey bastards to piss off? The American colonies defeated a larger, stronger British army with the help of France for Christ’s sake! We got our independence the proper way: through a bloody, violent revolution.

13) Pamela Anderson is from Canada.

13b) so is Celine Dion.

13c) and Avril Lavigne

14) Home to America’s draft dodgers. We’re trying to save the world, people! (This could also be a knock on Americans/America for having a draft in the first place.)

15) Canadian Football League.

16) Their coins always get rejected from vending machines. Also, they take our money, but up until recently (in Michigan anyway), most places didn’t accept Canadian money. Bullshit! (This could also be a reason the US sucks.)

16b) Speaking of money, the Loonie? Really? I always wondered how strippers were tipped in Canada with coins. Do you just throw them at them on stage? Do they have coin purses attached to their thongs? And then I went to a Canadian strip club. You set them on the stage. BOOORING!

16c) They still have British Royalty on their currency.

17) Our flag represents something. It’s filled with symbolism. Their flag, with their Maple Leaf, says, “Watch out for us, we’ll dry up and blow away!”

canada-flag

18) There is no worse insult than being called “French Canadian.”

19) Don Cherry

don_cherry

20) NICKELBACK!!!!!!!!!! Need I say more?

Now to be fair, here are a few reasons why Canada is better than France and has some awesome qualities.

1. Steve Yzerman. (And hockey.)

steve-yzerman

2. Canadian bacon (Or ham. Whichever you prefer to call it.  *American bacon is still better though.)

canadianbacon

3. John Candy.
4. It’s a pretty beautiful country.
5. No taxes taken out if you win at the casino (Or that was the case last time I was at Casino Windsor–Caesars–6 years ago.)
6. The Zamboni.
7. Better gun control than the US. Seriously, I can make one phone call and have a variety of illegal auto and semi auto guns to choose from. It’s ridiculous.
8. Leonard Cohen, Rush, The Guess Who and Arcade Fire.
9. The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos.

thehour
10. Toronto.
11. Easy access to drugs. And pot. Although, getting that bottle of Vicodin and bag of pot back across the border is not easy.
12. Don Cherry’s suit coats.

don_cherry

13. Degrassi.

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